‘Feel the rain on your skin’ … you know you started humming the song when you saw the title. And I really wish I was tech-savvy enough to know how to insert audio..but alas, I’m not…so you’re going to have to settle for my writing as the trade off.
If you were looking closely, the timestamp of my previous writing pieces was circa 2018 reflecting on the 2016-2017 time in my life. For this blog there are so many things I want to discuss but since everyone has been asking about a Part III, maybe I can jump into Lynn in 2020.
Looking back on what I wrote back in 2018 at times felt quite out of body. It’s so hard for me sometimes to reconcile that girl steeped in insecurities, uncertainty and brokenness with the woman I am now – but I remain grateful.
I was tempted when I was posting those pieces to delete some paragraphs and phrases because the level of vulnerability cocooned between my words was making even me uncomfortable. I didn’t though; I kept it in the rawest form because who would I be and what would this journey represent for both myself and others, if I couldn’t just lay it on the line and be authentic.
2020: Unapologetically myself
I’ve always used the word ‘resilient’ to describe myself and literally had some of my best and most note-worthy accomplishments through adversity but somewhere along the line I started to think that that was the only way I could truly flourish. Through adversity.
There have been so many opportunities over the past few years that I could not have even imagined and at one point I started to get scared. I still get scared to be honest. Good things don’t happen just like that right? You have to fight, and battle and make it through the storm to then see the rainbow..right? I think?…I thought.
That thinking has gotten me in a mental pickle and something that I have had to consciously stop myself from doing is waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. It’s almost like I’ve gone through these bursts of feeling like an imposter in my own life waiting for this ‘good luck’ to run out. Self-sabotage.
Billy Chapata said ‘one of the easiest ways to betray yourself is to second-guess the same blessings you’ve been asking for. Just because it seems too good to be true, it doesn’t mean that it is’.
I had to reframe my mind; maybe these things aren’t happening by chance but by the thousand tiny mental steps we take daily or the hard work that you’ve put in for years thinking it has gone unnoticed, or in the dream you planted in your heart and clasped between your hands until it floated to God’s ears through your prayers.
Instead of opting for this self-betrayal, I continually chant that a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles and allow God and the universe to meet me in my place of gratitude. I think we all struggle at some point of feeling undeserving but we have to remember to not be enemies to our own destiny.
One of my biggest adventures was one I almost let imposter syndrome get ahold of. I spent three weeks between Abu Dhabi and Dubai working at the World Special Olympics. A literally life changing experience. It was an opportunity I originally said no to because I didn’t think I could accommodate it with the other life changes I’d made. Eventually I came to my senses and the job was still open and waiting for me. The takeaway: what is for you is yours and everything aligns to make that happen, even when you try to self-sabotage.
Peeling back the layers of yourself isn’t easy and anyone who tells you it is must have some kind of superpower. I’m in constant competition with the woman I was the day before, I long to out-run her, out-smart her, be kinder, be more brilliant…everything. But truthfully, the only way I’m able to do that is to really examine her, and that’s where the stripping my soul down bare comes from. Confronting the ugly truths about yourself isn’t easy but its necessary. For example, I think I’d started to become started to become selfish in being mindful of only my feelings. It’s been a weird juxtaposition of the softness that allows me to flutter the wings of metamorphosis and a hard shell that says ‘come this close and no more’ to avoid past hurts. Forever a work in progress.
But still we grow.
The thing is that when you achieve mental and emotional freedom, it becomes hard to settle for less in any area of your life and due to that I made both personal and professional adjustments. I’ve consistently tried to live my life outside of my comfort zone to stretch and grow and even though I wouldn’t say I had destination addiction before, I do think that in my subliminal, I was waiting on something, some optimal condition where I could fully follow all my non-professional passions and dreams. To be honest, that something was the person to share it with. Once I was really able to sit with myself in that ‘flaws and all’ way, all bets were off.
With all the stretching and growing and travelling and hobbies, the one big thing (of many) that I haven’t mastered is how to rest. I’m writing this on vacation after a session of journaling and pray where I was lamenting that I’m not doing enough. In a way, I started to get addicted to just always ‘doing’- Starting some new challenge, taking some new chance, defying some odd in my mind. That‘s all well and good but I’m trying to focus myself on honouring where I am and resetting to propel me forward to where I need to be. We make so much progess without realizing it; we become attached to the valley and the climb that we don’t see that we reached the mountaintop.
But still we press on, we stay on the journey knowing that it’s never a straight line but the story still continues. The rest is still unwritten and it’s yours to write.
Lynn in 2020, freefall. 2020, iridescence. 2020, a higher love in and of all things.
P.S One more thing I want to mention, I don’t think besides my career I’ve ever felt something so aligned with my purpose than sharing my writing in an effort to inspire others. Of all the amazing things, the existence of JourneyWithL brings me so much joy. This would all have been a vacuum if not for you, yes you, giving me this chance to share myself and accepting me. It’s not a blessing that I take lightly or for granted so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.